alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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