Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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