So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
