I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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