If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
