the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
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We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
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Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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