Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
