sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
