He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
