sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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