"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
