I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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