the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
