It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
