i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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