Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
