nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
