I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
