thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can't turn off my feet"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
