I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
