What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
