You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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