wat bout pragnant strippers??
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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