she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
