You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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