Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
