Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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