I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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