sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
organizing the empties. That sober.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
