Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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