I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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