I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
