Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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