3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What happened to fro yo and sex?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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