dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
