it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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