all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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