i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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