I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I want to have your abortion
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
