I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize