I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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