You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
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you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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