Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
