The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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