I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
