Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
