Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
