I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize