Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
