In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
