My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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