I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
