Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
