the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
