my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
