Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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