just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
