If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I need to align my fucking chakras
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
