a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
