Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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