My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
