Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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