Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
